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Warning: if you're mature or an actual grown up, you probably will not be very impressed with this post. You should probably go read the Wall Street Journal right now. For everyone else, proceed.
When “faster” becomes “gayer”
Cap’n: How is the swim meet? Is it over?
Me: Almost. Your boy did well in breast stroke.
Cap’n: Great!
Me: He was a lot gayer.
Cap’n: ??
Me: He was so much gayer we were all like: WHAAT?!
Cap’n: I’m not sure what to say here.
Me: It was pretty awesome.
Cap’n: I don’t understand swimming.
When “you again” becomes “tippy asian”
Me: Hey do you want to come to Bunco with me this week?
New Friend I don't know very well: I can’t. I have to work Thursday night.
Me: You’re a big stupid. Next month, I’ll invite tippy asian.
New friend: Oh. OK.(OH MAH GAH. My phone is racist and drunk. And new friend doesn't text me anymore. Insert sad trombone noise.)
When “in the van” becomes “in the can”
Me: Let me call you back when I’m in can.
Cap’n: I didn’t need to know that.
Me: What’s your problem? I like to talk in the can. I use the speakerphone!
Cap’n: Again. Didn’t need to know that.
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| Starting to think Benny Hill's brain is actually my phone's operating system. |
Me: Hey. I’m alone in the can.
Guru: All righty then. Where are your kids?
Me: At practice. I’m just sitting here.
Guru: And you thought you’d text me?
Me: Yes. Peaceful here. Like it here. Never leaving.
Guru: I’m glad that you like it in the can.
Me: WHAT? WAIT. Oh my God.
Guru: Your phone wins again.
"Out of line" becomes "out of lube".
Me: Your kids are being horrible to each other.
Cap’n: I’m sorry.
Me: Seriously. I just screamed at them and then I had to apologize for yelling.
Cap’n: Sounds rough.
Me: IT WAS ROUGH. But I was out of lube.
Cap’n: Say what now?
Me: I had to apologize because I was out of lube.
Me: Oh dear God. Out of line. I was out of line.
Cap'n: This is becoming a real problem.
Me: I had to apologize because I was out of lube.
Me: Oh dear God. Out of line. I was out of line.
Cap'n: This is becoming a real problem.
Sometimes it happens when I try to comment on someone's Facebook status like this one:
Status: My cousin writes things and she wrote this thing and it’s very good so you should read it. (included a link to a blog post I wrote)
Me: Cousin Rachel, you are a very nice lay.
Me: LADY. You are a nice lady! Not lay! Maybe you’re a nice lay, I don’t know. DAMMIT. I’m sorry.
Me: This is awkward.
Me: I’m just deleting it all.
Me: I can’t. It’s your post. Shit.
Me: Don’t read this, anyone. Just don’t.
Me: I’m deleting all my comments now.
(deleted everything - hopefully she and Aunt Mary didn't see it. Until now.)
(deleted everything - hopefully she and Aunt Mary didn't see it. Until now.)
Last time becomes lady time.
Me: Sorry it was weird lady time at the pool.
Friend: What are you talking about?
Me: It was weird lady time because the pool was closed for lap swimming.
Friend: At my pool we call that "lap swimming", not weird lady time.
Friend: Are there a lot of weird ladies who swim laps at your pool or something?
Friend: Are there a lot of weird ladies who swim laps at your pool or something?
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: Oh. F$%CKING PHONE. Last time. Not lady time.
Friend: That makes more sense, weird lady.
The there was possibly the most humiliating swype-related disaster in my professional blogging life. It occurred in an email. WHY, SWYPE? WHHHYYYYY?! I never even use that word EVER. I am embarrassed to THINK that word and I always use the word "post". Why would you autocorrect "post" for another word? I HATE YOU.
Me: I just wanted to send you a quick thank you for this opportunity. I'm really grateful. I think this pussy will resonate with our readers and do really well. Please let me know when you intend to run the pussy and I will do what I can on this end to promote it via social media.
Oh but it gets worse.
When I told some of my friends that I was doing this and that no one would believe it was actually this bad, they were like - OH YES IT IS. Then they were all: remember that time your phone turned "hurry" into "hussy" and your text was all "Need to get church ok hussy" or how it always wants to turn the word white into "whore"?
And you guys - my children's elementary school has the word WHITE in it's name. Things like that. So yes, I remember. And I hate you Swype.
When I told some of my friends that I was doing this and that no one would believe it was actually this bad, they were like - OH YES IT IS. Then they were all: remember that time your phone turned "hurry" into "hussy" and your text was all "Need to get church ok hussy" or how it always wants to turn the word white into "whore"?
And you guys - my children's elementary school has the word WHITE in it's name. Things like that. So yes, I remember. And I hate you Swype.
Then Guru emailed me this:
Do you remember this one from earlier this summer? This was an actual text conversation we had and I saved it because it makes me laugh on a bad day.
Guru: Congrats on your 'Sweet Spot' post doing so well!Yours in shame,
Lydia: Thanks! If another pussy gets widely seen like my sweet spot pussy I will be so happy!
Guru: Wow. I hope there is another sweet spot pussy in your future.
Lydia: I'm such an Puerto
Lydia: Gah!
Lydia: Idiot
Lydia: Duck it. I'm going to put my kids to bed.
Lydia
