Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Her least favorite number

Mini is learning to read. More precisely, Mini is learning to sound out words. I don't want to rush her into reading (she doesn't start kindergarten until the fall), but the Cap'n thinks she's an evil genius and we should get her literate ASAP so she can begin collecting minions. So he's been working with her and she's getting pretty good at it.

The other day in the van on the way to preschool, Mini and I made eye contact in the rear view mirror. And things got weird.

The Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened

My dog almost died today. Because he ate some fabric. Maybe a sock? They don't know. In any case it was gross and it was not even food of any kind so why did he f*cking eat it? I'm broke now but he's going to live. Because none of us could handle the idea of losing our very young dog a couple of weeks after losing our very old cat. OH MY GOD. Dogs, man, dogs.

With that in mind, I've decided to re-run this post:

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If you have a weak stomach, or have a bad reaction to things that are disgusting (particularly in relationship to dogs and canine behavior), THIS IS NOT THE POST FOR YOU. You should probably click away. Because it's about to get all kinds of nasty up in here.

Here's the thing about having a dog. It's gross. Having kids is gross too, of course, what with the being puked on and never knowing where that smell is coming from. But dogs are worse. Last Friday, I greeted the early morning with an enormous, steaming pile of dog vomit that was in considerable danger of being re-consumed if I didn't clean it up fast enough.

Because dogs are gross.

My Cat Died and I Hate Feeling These Feelings

This amazing picture was taken by the
very talented, kind and cat-loving Kristin Merten. 

A couple of weeks ago my cat died and I'm so mad about it I could spit. Nothing actually happened to him. That's not why I'm mad. He was really old. His kidneys failed. He slowly faded away and on his last day, he sort of looked at me like: "Woman, it's time. Let's go." So I took him to the vet who confirmed that it was time and he died quietly in my arms a couple of hours later.

My arms still feel empty. They want to hold him one more time. My house seems weird without him in it. I hate that he's gone and I want him back and I hate that I had to tell the vet to kill him and I hate being a grown up sometimes and it all sucks. That's why I'm mad.

Things We Never Have Enough Of

I recently noticed that we have this weird dichotomy in our house. We have way too much of some stuff and never enough of other stuff (usually the stuff we actually need). 

Here's a little chart to explain what I mean:

Oh, Sophia. Lay off the spray tan, sweetie.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

TMI with Johi

I'm sure you're wondering why these precious and adorable young men are the mastheads of today's post. It's because I did an interview with my very talented friend (and co-author) Johi Kockjohn-Wagner and she asked me who my celebrity free passes were. At first I was like, what the hell is a celebrity free pass? I get a free movie? Or is it like a fast pass at Disney? So I googled it and then I was like AW SNAP. 

Andy and I are basically the same person.