A Guide for People Who Suck at Mindfulness

Hello, gentle friend. Welcome to Guided Mindfulness. You may be asking yourself: what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is what the internet says you should do in order to be a better human and less like your normal self. Now please find a comfortable place to sit and let your thoughts flow.

FLOW THOUGHTS. Flowing. Flo. Florida. Someone threw an alligator through a drive-thru window in Florida last week and I was like “Of course. FLORIDA.” 

That’s unkind. 

There are a lot of cool people from Florida. 

This can’t be what they mean by thoughts flowing.

This carpet smells funny. I think if you get close enough to any carpet it’s going to smell, though. When you think about the whole idea of carpet, it’s all gross. 

I already hate this.

Mandatory Troop Meeting regarding Girl Scout Cookie Sales

I am a Girl Scout leader. The following is a transcript of a recent troop meeting. 

[It is also satire and completely made up.]

Girls, please be seated. Parents, welcome. We're here to discuss this year's cookie sales. As your leader, it's my duty to inform you that the time is upon us. Girls, you must now put away childish things and begin your journey toward entrepreneurial leadership. The days of Doc McStuffins and organic juice boxes are behind you. Throw these things in the fire, for they mean nothing now. We will roast our s’mores from their acrid flames.

Now down to business. If we don’t exceed our sales goals from last year, you can all just forget about Hershey Park. Do you think destination trips through Amish country to a place where milk chocolate literally flows in the streets just happen by accident? No. We have to earn it, and it will mean sacrifice.