Hello, gentle friend. Welcome to Guided Mindfulness. You may be asking yourself: what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is what the internet says you should do in order to be a better human and less like your normal self. Now please find a comfortable place to sit and let your thoughts flow.
FLOW THOUGHTS. Flowing. Flo. Florida. Someone threw an alligator through a drive-thru window in Florida last week and I was like “Of course. FLORIDA.”
That’s unkind.
There are a lot of cool people from Florida.
This can’t be what they mean by thoughts flowing.
This carpet smells funny. I think if you get close enough to any carpet it’s going to smell, though. When you think about the whole idea of carpet, it’s all gross.
I already hate this.
Take a moment now to observe your surroundings. What do you see when you really look? What do you hear when you really listen?
I see my living room. I see two windows. I see - Dear God. We are disgusting people. How can walls be so dirty? Do other people clean their walls?
And the floorboards are horrible. Wait, they’re not called floorboards, they’re called baseboards. Our baseboards are so dusty it’s a miracle we’re not all asthmatic. Do other people see my baseboards and judge me? I mean, I don’t notice them in other people’s houses. Like in 43 years, I’ve never noticed baseboards in someone else’s house even one time.
Once when the kids were in a “I want to do chores for money” frenzy, I asked if they could wipe them down and all that happened was they looked at me like: “WTF are baseboards?”
This is really not working.
Concentrate on your breathing… All you should be doing right now is sitting quietly, thinking about the act of breathing.
Every time I have to think about my breathing, I actually stop breathing. I have literally lost the ability to breathe, possibly for good. Quick, what’s next?
Thoughts may be moving into and out of your mind. That’s fine. They’re just thoughts that you’re having. Acknowledge them, consider how they make you feel, and allow them to be replaced by new thoughts.
I can’t think of anything.
I have to go to Target because we need toilet paper and we’re out of OJ.
Stop it.
I’m grateful. So grateful. I’m so grateful for my family.
I have more than I deserve.
I don’t deserve all this. Think of all the refugees.
Think of what they’re running from and what ISIS does.
Jesus Christ.
I wish the Avengers were real.
That was the dumbest thought that anyone has ever had.
Why am I like this?
I remember when that awful girl in high school was like “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?” and I was all: “I have no idea” and it was so humiliating.
She was such a bitch then and now on Facebook she’s all “Let’s all be kind and mindful and post memes of inspirational sayings and I love Adele and happy birthday sweetie!!”
Why the hell am I friends with her?
I hate Facebook.
Don’t think of Facebook.
Think of something meaningful.
Think of global public health.
Clean water.
No. Ebola.
No. Zika.
Zika sounds like she should be in Jem’s band.
Jem is truly outrageous.
I am so bad at this.
Now think about your body. How does it feel? Start with the top of your head and slowly move down to the tips of your toes, assessing how you feel.
My head. My hair looks good today because I straightened it but my scalp is really itchy because it’s been so cold and the heat sucks all the moisture out of the house. ::scratch::
What if I have lice? Is this what lice feels like?
There’s always more lice this time of year because of HATS. There hasn’t been an email from the school about lice, has there? I should check. Where’s my phone?
NO! NO PHONE! BAD!
I don’t have lice I don’t have lice I don’t have lice. No more head.
My neck.
Jesus. My neck is the freaking worst. When did that happen? One year it was normal and now it’s horrible. I can’t think about my neck, this is making me angry.
Shoulders? Fine.
Boobs? Fine.
Wait. Are my boobs fine? Crap. When was my last mammogram? It was last year so I probably don’t need another. Except that Cal was exactly my age when she got diagnosed and she DIED.
I need to schedule an appointment.
I liked that place from last year that had the good candy and the plastic surgeon’s office upstairs, but I can’t remember the practice name. Was it a radiologist? Or a breast center or something? Ann will know. I’ll text her and
NO PHONE. YOU HAVE A PHONE PROBLEM. STOP IT.
We’re almost done. You may be lost in your thoughts and feel relaxed or even like you might fall into a deep sleep. Stretch and breathe deeply. Think about where your mind has taken you on our journey together today. What did you learn?
Well, I’ve learned that when I’m supposed to be focusing on mental awareness and being at one with the Universe, my broken squirrel brain directs me to topics like lice, shame, carpet stink, and the risk of breast cancer. I also learned that I am an abject failure at Guided Mindfulness. I think it’s time to resume drinking too much coffee and feeling mildly anxious all the time.
I’m good at that.
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