When it's not about the kids, it's about the parents.

I don’t know how it happened but I’m the mother of a teenager. It occurs to me that I only have five years left to teach her everything she needs to know to survive on her own. That’s scary as hell given that my 11 year old recently informed me he has no idea what a fitted sheet is.

This has all led me to acknowledge that I might have an over-parenting problem. The older my kids get, the worse I become. It’s not just changing their sheets. I feel the urge to insert myself into situations that I know I should stay out of. I see it in other parents too; on the ball field, on social media, at Back to School night. It’s endemic. I see kids looking to their parents to solve their problems and adults making things worse by jumping in. And every time I see it happen, I think the same thing:

This isn't about the kids, it’s about the parents.

The Elementary School Book Fair

Guess what? These aren't books.
So no, you may not buy them.

Our elementary school hosted it's annual book fair last week. That means I received a "wish list" brought home by child #3, requesting things that were either:

(a) not books, or
(b) books that are not even close to her reading level but feature puppies, or
(c) pens that don't work, or
(d) weird pointy sticks with fingers at the top.

In this case, it was all of the above. I said no and made her books. Correct me if I'm wrong but the purpose of a book fair is to purchase items intended for actual reading, yes?

Apparently, I am mistaken. I think the real purpose is to raise much-needed funds for the school, something I can totally get behind. But dear Lord Baby Jesus, I do not need more crap in my house so my children will buy books or they will buy nothing.

My son called me from school last week, freaking out that he forgot to ask me for money and begging me to drop some off so he could buy stuff during his class' designated shopping time. When I mentioned this on the Rants' Facebook wall, your responses killed me with how funny they were, so I made this meme:

I want to wear a big headband and be cool but I just can't.

So I made this meme today because if anyone in the world needs the ability to pull off one of these big headbands on an "I didn't have time to shower but I still want to look like an actual adult female" day, it's me. I see other women about my age (I'm looking at you, Jen Hatmaker) looking all easy, breezy, beautiful with their long, flowing hair and their effortlessly faded jeans and their boots that fit their calves and their big headbands. They look awesome. I want to be easy and breezy, too. BUT OMG NO I JUST CAN'T. I look ridiculous. A big headband makes me look like I don't have a neck. It makes my head look much, much smaller. Like the math on that doesn't work. A big headband actually makes my head look 72% smaller. How is that possible?

Anyway, I have tried to make this work and it just doesn't and I resent it. That's all.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016

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How to Drive Your Mother Crazy Before 8am

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MOTHER CRAZY BEFORE 8AM
(in just 21 easy steps)

1. In the middle of the night, go stand next to your mother’s bed, as silent as a panther. Position yourself 3-5 inches from her sleeping face, and stare at her until she opens her eyes and screams in terror.

2. Wake her up a few more times, for no discernible reason.

3. When it is time to get up for school, refuse to get out of bed.

4. When your mother turns on your light in an attempt to rouse you from sleep, go ahead and turn it back off. Repeat as many times as you see fit. You’re tired and need more rest.

The Life Cycle of Sunblock

I have no explanation for why this happens to me but every summer, but it does. Get your shit together, sunblock. This is why I end up every September with fourteen half-empty bottles.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016

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I Just Want to Be Perfect - The Book!

BUY ME PLEASE BECAUSE I'M HILARIOUS.

Big news, you guys! I got an essay published in a book that just came out. It's called "I Just Want to Be Perfect" and it's available now on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble and probably some other places. I don't want to brag or anything, but my essay is pretty good. It's possibly the funniest "Horrifying Conversation with Mini" that I've ever written.  I think you'll enjoy it because in one story Mini humiliates me in public, creates incredibly memorable song lyrics & forces me to accept the fact that I am the worst at parenting. It's good stuff.

This book is the fourth in the series of anthologies edited by Jen Mann (People I Want to Punch in the Throat). The first one was called "I Just Want to Pee Alone" and it made the New York Times best-seller list. Since I had an essay in that book as well, that makes me a New York Times best-selling something or other. Contributor, I think? In any case, it makes me a fancy lady.

This book is hilarious and has 37 essays from really funny people. It''s all about the pressure we feel to be perfect and describing how we've utterly failed at it. When Jen asked me if I had any funny stories to describe my parenting fails, I was like: "Yes. Those stories are myriad and spring from a well that will never run dry" because as you already know, I'm an idiot.

Anatomy of a Little League Game

Photo credit: Hin255 via freedigitalimages.com

It’s Spring! For my family that means baseball. I love the game, even if it does take over my life and turn me into a crazy person. I thought I’d share the experience of managing three kids and a little league game on a school night, for those of you unfamiliar with the experience.

PREGAME: 

5:45pm: Arrive at ball field and of course, there’s no parking. Off-load children and gear and folding chairs and circle the lot like a bird of prey, hoping someone is leaving to get Chick Fil A. Spot opens up but it’s a dreaded foul ball/smashed windshield spot. Sigh and keep circling. See a t-ball mom pull into it, she’ll learn soon enough.

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Bedtime Chatting

Hello friends! It's been a while since our last installment of "Horrifying Conversations with Mini", but fear not, this one truly lives up to the name. Let's set the stage for what should have been a precious family moment. My husband, the irascible Cap'n Coupon, has been on the road for the better part of six weeks. On his first night back, he was taking his time tucking the kids into bed and visiting with them, catching up on all the stuff he missed.

Adrienne Hedger! Hedger Humor! Cartoons! AAAHHHH!

You guys I'm kind of losing it because Adrienne Hedger, cartoonist extraordinaire of Hedger Humor, responded to my pleas and my light stalking and created a cartoon with me. I may have also promised her baby goats in sweaters, so I shall place them here where we can all enjoy them:

youtube.com

Are you ready? She created the cartoon based on an old blog post called "10 Questions for my Preschooler".  Here it is! I love it so much!

A Guide for People Who Suck at Mindfulness

Hello, gentle friend. Welcome to Guided Mindfulness. You may be asking yourself: what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is what the internet says you should do in order to be a better human and less like your normal self. Now please find a comfortable place to sit and let your thoughts flow.

FLOW THOUGHTS. Flowing. Flo. Florida. Someone threw an alligator through a drive-thru window in Florida last week and I was like “Of course. FLORIDA.” 

That’s unkind. 

There are a lot of cool people from Florida. 

This can’t be what they mean by thoughts flowing.

This carpet smells funny. I think if you get close enough to any carpet it’s going to smell, though. When you think about the whole idea of carpet, it’s all gross. 

I already hate this.

Mandatory Troop Meeting regarding Girl Scout Cookie Sales

I am a Girl Scout leader. The following is a transcript of a recent troop meeting. 

[It is also satire and completely made up.]

Girls, please be seated. Parents, welcome. We're here to discuss this year's cookie sales. As your leader, it's my duty to inform you that the time is upon us. Girls, you must now put away childish things and begin your journey toward entrepreneurial leadership. The days of Doc McStuffins and organic juice boxes are behind you. Throw these things in the fire, for they mean nothing now. We will roast our s’mores from their acrid flames.

Now down to business. If we don’t exceed our sales goals from last year, you can all just forget about Hershey Park. Do you think destination trips through Amish country to a place where milk chocolate literally flows in the streets just happen by accident? No. We have to earn it, and it will mean sacrifice.